A pretty important post! I wanna motivate you like you have motivate me!

What is one thing that you have learned about yourself over the past eight months of 2011?

What is one thing you have noticed that you feel that you did not feel at the beginning of 2011?

What is the name of one person that you feel differently about since January 1, 2011?

Now give three things you can leave behind you.

This is not a test; it’s not even a pop-quiz. What I want to do with the answers to these questions is to get you to see where you are, how far you have come and where you have to point yourself and the position you need to be in to move forward.

I have hit a road block over the past week. I know this because U2 is on my CD player, I have no fruit in the house and I am sleeping past 6am. (Not every day but most days)

I got a facebook message from one of my oldest friends yesterday that made me realize that this blog has made my journey more than just MY JOURNEY. IT has become OUR Journey and my motivation and my excitement is also some of your motivation and excitement. I am helping other people, especially those of you that know me or have seen my pictures, believe that they can do something about their own issues too. The person that messaged me is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known but she has some body issues since the birth of her last child that have been giving her trouble and she is motivated in part by this blog. That message lit a fire under my butt and re-motivated me to first and foremost kick my own ass, and then secondly, clean my act up and get back to work. So today I am deep cleaning my house, getting in a hard core work out, I’m going to go buy some fruit and veggies and get back on track. I plan on more and more posts and some re-posts from the past and I am renewing my commitment to everyone to be there again for them and their goals as they have been there for mine! This moment is going to PASS!!!

One thing I have learned about myself since 1-1-11… I’m not a bad looking guy, II am starting to feel attractive, and I have NEVER felt that, in my whole life. I deserve to be liked, even loved and I am going to promote myself more because of it!

One thing I feel now that I didn’t in 2010… I can still be whatever I want to be and I can STILL accomplish my goals. I thought life was nearing its end for me before and I don’t feel that way anymore. Its confidence and it’s pretty freaking spectacular!

One person I feel differently about…well that is a lot of people because I see that people treat you differently when they think you don’t care about yourself, but the one person I feel differently about is ME! I feel like I have a soul, like I have a future, I feel like I am worth knowing, worth loving and worth caring about. I want to know me, I want to Love me and I want to care about me, I have never felt like that before either.
Three things I can leave behind… At the beginning of this journey I would have said McDonalds, Little Debbie and Wild Cherry Pepsi, but as my food addictions weaken, I see some more important things to leave behind…

1. Fear, I’m not scared to move, scared to run, scared to be me and scared to chase my life.
2. Regret, I used to tell people that I never knew regret. The truth is I regret smarting off to my Pap-pap when I was 12, I regret lying to my parents about all the silly stuff I used to lie about and losing their trust as a teenager because of it, I regret not being there more for Cesalee, I regret spending so many years in limbo and despair over my son’s death. I regret weighing 420 pounds. I regret my regret. Now I can let it all go!
3. The 90’s, I loved my 20’s, I had the greatest time, the music the friends the beach the entire life was amazing, I made a lot of mistakes but I would not trade any of it…But I have spent most of my thirties trying to find my twenties again and I know that is never going to happen. I still have and will always have the love for my friends and I hope that they will always be there, but I really miss those days… A large part of my weight gain and my depression came from not understanding that I can never have those days back. They are gone and I am older and I have to move forward or wilt away…so 1990’s…farewell!!!

SO these are my answers, what are yours?

I have found that an evaluation period is good. I got some advice from someone recently that I needed to step back take a deep breath and look over things for a few days and make my choices with a clear head. I have done that and it was great advice, I am so grateful for advice like that.

I can’t let a stupid picture that I am disappointed in get me off my program; I shouldn’t misunderstand my slowed weight loss and interpret it as failure. I shouldn’t worry that a possible bounced check is going to ruin my life (long story). People understand mistakes, misinterpretations are a part of life and a picture is what it is. An IMAGE! If we don’t like our image, we should change it.

Well I have babbled on long enough. I hope I have remotivated you in some way, or when you feel bad or lost I hope you will refer back to this post and gain hope.

Stand up Straight, Carry your own weight and get going! We have places to go!!!!

Lesson learned! NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

Sometimes I get so frustrated at my progress, or the amount of time my progress seems to be taking, I forget that it is still, PROGRESS.

I have overcome some serious stuff in my life that I have and have not talked about in this blog, I want to take this to a more in depth place right now…

I have lived with Advanced Promelocytic Myeloid Leukemia subtype M3 since I was 26 years old…

I have been overweight most of my life and have succeeded in loosing over eighty pounds since January 2011…

I lost a son in 1996.

I have been dancing around the truth concerning my private life out of fear of who it might hurt and what people might think…

I have overcome Diabetes and high Blood Pressure, two illnesses that have held me mentally captive since I was a kid. Watching my Dad's UNcle die from Diabetes and several other family members die from heart problems I have been petrified of them for most of my life, and being diagnosed with both at the same time woke me up!

I have worked very hard to get to a place in my life where my career would flourish, and it is finally flourishing!!!

I have helped raise the most amazing daughter in the history of the world!

I have found someone that I find interesting and fun to be around. I am getting to know this person and feel really good about how things are going!

SO now I want to know why I let a picture of me, taken twelve weeks ago, make me so angry… Why am I allowing this to affect me this way?

Through all of the things in my life, good and bad, I have had a huge problem being patient enough to endure. I have given up and given in when I should have worked a little harder and waited a little longer for slightly better results.

Today I talked to three people about my feelings and my life.
The first person was my trainer, who could tell I was feeling down about the slow progress and reassured me and promised to be there to see me through the physical part of this journey and completely made me feel like I was his most important client! GREAT GUY!!!

The second person I talked to was a relative that has advanced certification and an amazing amount of knowledge about nutrition. He (while on vacation) took time in the middle of a thirty mile bike ride, to talk to me and get a feel for what I am going through and even sent me some material that helped me see the reality behind what I am undertaking by changing my life. I AM CHANGING MY LIFE…IT is going to take a long time to do this and I may never see the body I want to see in the mirror. I may never have the self esteem to be able to see my own self worth, but one thing is for DAMN sure…I will never stop seeking it!

I will never go back to the person I was, the person that didn’t care, that was scared to continue that would rather die than persevere.

The third person that I talked to was a friend; someone I have been wanting to say something too for a while, but something was holding me back… I am glad I did it too!!!

I don’t know what happened to me this evening; I don’t know what happened to me earlier when I was so discouraged. I do know that I reached out to some people that could help me and they didn’t let me down!

I am taking a step back, taking deep breath, smiling again and getting ready for what lies ahead!

It’s going to be a great fall! Stick around!

sometimes things just dont feel as good as they should. END OF THE 12 WEEK TRANSFORMATION!

Well I just completed my twelve week transformation and have opted not to post the before and aftr pics for two reasons...first I cant figure out how to resize the picture from my email into a file that will fit, and second, I am pretty discouraged by the lack of difference in the before and after pics...

I started at 323 pounds and finished at 302, I lost 21 pounds, GREAT!!!
I started at
hips, 52 inches
waist 54 inches
chest 57 inches
bicep 14 inches
thigh 23 inches

I finished at
hips, 50 inches
waist, 52 inches
chest, 54 inches
bicep, 14 inches
thigh, 21 inches

I am thrilled to see the inches melting away, but I am pretty pissed off at those pictures.

I am not giving up, I am training harder, tweeking my nutrition and planning for bigger and better things, but I gotta be honest...

I am sick and tired of seeing this fat in the mirror and nothing else in the world pisses me off more than seeing the one thing that I CAN change about myself, stay the same!

I get pissed off at the evil in the world and the crime and the wrong doing, but I seriously hate my fat more! It is an obbsession, it controls ever decision and holds sway over every thought...Those of you with weight problems understand this, I know you do.
My weight controls my successes and failures, it prevents and provides, it saddens and hurts and is the single most destructive part of my being. Yes even more destructive than my big mouth! I blame myself for turning to food for my entire life, for not having the strength and courage to get out into the world and face my detractors, to face my demons and for shelving my true self and replacing "me" with burgers and shakes.
I hope no one reading this feels the way I do right now, but I know some of you do...
What, then can we do to change what we have done to ourselves?

Come to terms with it "all"~!~

We are in control of who we are and what we do, Finding the will power to stop the destructive patterns that keep us in our place of terror is the ONLY WAY to find our way to become the people we know we are way down deep.

Will can mean alot of things, the will to believe in ourselves, the will to seek help, the will to stop destructive behavior and the will to change.(not just the will to put the burger down, although that is important too)!

We were given free will, The choice is ours...

I gotta go work out...

Try this instead of that...

a nut and gluten free alternative to peanut butter!!! its AWESOME and tastes great!!!

Something for you to do today!!!

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I am proud of so many people in my life. I am happy that so many of the people I love and am close to have the power of courage and the strength of character to be who they are and to stand up for things they believe in.

I am not so proud of myself.

I know this may come as a shock to a lot of you, but I don’t have the best self esteem and I don’t always see in myself the good qualities that others see in me. I think that is why I struggle so much with so many things. I also think there are real reasons why I can’t see those things in myself. A lot of you feel the same way.

I DO have a strong character and powerful courage, but it all falls short when it comes to me or my life. I think that is because I have been quite satisfied to just let myself down. Low expectations, after all, yield low results.

Recently I became involved with the “it gets better” campaign and the “Trevor Project” to raise awareness for the anti bullying cause worldwide.

I have spent decades trying to find a way to help people somehow...Big Brothers, the Leukemia Society, Shriner’s, St Jude’s, all wonderful causes, all very dear to me, but I didn’t feel half as good working with those groups as I did after making and posting a thirty second video to the you tube campaign for It Gets Better. While beating cancer and being a mentor are big parts of my life, being bullied has been a huge factor in most of my life.

I remember being bullied in Kindergarten. I was called names, pushed around and teased by family, friends and even some of the people reading this, well let’s face it folks, most of the people reading this. When I was a 7 year old at the swimming pool my cousin Billy bullied me because of my weight, another cousin and my Aunt bullied me because of my demeanor when I was 14 during a summer vacation and we haven’t been close since. I was laughed at, tripped up, teased and hit by bullies from the time I first rode the school bus at the age of 5 all the way through present day. I get bullied now because of my profession, by adults.

I think I am unable to feel proud of my own accomplishments as an adult because of the way I have been perceived and because of the way I been treated my whole life. It may even affect my ability to love, romantically. It has affected how I deal with people and how what I expect from myself.

I am not posting this for your pity, or for your tears, or even for your support, I am a big boy now, I don’t need or want any of it…What I want, the reason for this post, the reason for all of what I do this for, is your anger!

I demand that everyone, reading this post, get pissed off! I require that in order for you to make amends for the bullying you know you have done in your life, I am guilty too. STAND UP NOW! Tell your kids, your grandkids and your neighbors, the strangers you see mistreating others, to STOP!

Make yourself get up and put your foot down. Tell your kids that everyone deserves respect, everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and everyone deserves someone on their side.

Don’t make excuses for this behavior, don’t chalk it up to being a kid, kids grow up and become adults, adults with regret for being a bully, or adults scarred from being bullied. Which one are you?

Each one of you can remember an instance from your life when you were treated badly or when you were the bully. Share the experience with someone, apologize to them for it (even if they aren’t the one involved) and make it a point to dedicate some part of you to stop it from happening to someone else.

Bullying happens everywhere. I went to a church once where a preacher was bullied out of his job by a handful of the congregation that disliked him. I went to a school once where fourth graders were bullied by a mean OLD woman that hated kids but still had the nerve to be a teacher. I went to another school where the students bullied a teacher because he seemed gay to them, I worked at a salon once where 21 year old stylist was mooed at for being just a few pounds overweight. I have seen people get away with it all my life and I am tired of it. Aren’t you?

Make every place you are at, a safe zone for everyone. Demand that hate and bullying be left outside and stomp it out when you see it.

If you don’t want to do it for the kids being bullied today, do it to help reconcile the bullying you were involved in or witnessed as a kid, or even the bullying you were involved in or witnessed yesterday.
JUST DO IT!

Have a great weekend, let’s Stand up and stop bullying together!

Why am I still trying!!??

What are some of the reasons we give others as to why we stop caring so much about our health?
What are some of the excuses we give others as to why we stop caring about our well being?

I have spent years starting to care about how I look and feel and then I just stop caring. I still to this day don’t know why I do that. I also don’t know what is happening this time that is so different than all of the other times when I did not succeed.

Every time I think I want to give in and go get a Big stinky Mac, or a Milk Death Shake, I add a word to it to make me think twice about it…I don’t think that is it though.,,

Every time I make a big meal I cut a portion out of it and freeze the rest so I won’t eat more than I should… I don’t think that is why though.

Every time I see the size thirty-six jeans (thanks Aaron and Dean) hanging in my dining room, it reminds me that I am only three sizes away from wearing them, but I don’t think that is either.

Every time I go to work and forget to take my lunch I think about just ordering from the Mexican restaurant next door, but instead I go get some yogurt and fruit, but I don’t think that’s it either.

Every time I think I might not get up and work out I lay out my workout mat and weights before I go to bed. It leads me to work out in the am and I feel guilty if I put it away and don’t work out…But I don’t think that’s it.

Every time I want to sleep in and forget the workout and the morning routine, I say to myself, “GET THE HELL UP ROBERTO!!! (Nope not the reason either)

Every time I think I might give up I think of this blog and the people that read what I write and I don’t ever want to let them down, but that’s not it either.

Every time I see a pic of Cesalee I realize that I can only be a good example to my kid if I am alive to be a good example to my kid, but that isn’t the reason either, DAMMIT!!

I don’t know what the reason could possibly be as to why I am so different and why my life has become so different.

I can’t figure out why I am continuing to lose weight. I don’t get why I still care and I certainly don’t get why any of you are still interested…Until I read all of the things above.
1. I don’t eat fast food anymore
2. I don’t eat more than I should
3. I have a goal, several actually, and those jeans are part of that goal
4. I stay on target when I can and even though I still have my weak moments, I still do the best I can
5. I am seeing big changes in my body from the size of my arms, the size of my neck to the size of my biceps all the way to the size of my, well, I will let you guess what I am talking about, everything is changing for the better and I will NEVER stop working out, especially since I have a great guy like Daniel training me to be better than I ever knew I could be.
6. There are only 24 hours in each day and I sleep long enough, I don’t want to ever miss a thing because I want to sleep late!
7. This blog is part of my vast support system, people are counting on me and I am helping people like me believe in themselves and be the people they were meant to be!
8. I NEVER want my fat ass to be the reason I leave Cesalee. I have won too many physical battles from diabetes and blood pressure issues to Leukemia and by GOD, fat isn’t gonna take me from the Earth!

So you see, it isn’t any of those things that keep me going, ITS ALL OF THEM! And much much more!!!

I want to keep my life going and I want to live better and feel better every day, and I want you to join me!
I love you all and can’t wait to hear from you!!!

NO biggie

No big, long post trying to inspire you today, no workout routine or cooking ideas, just this....

Sometimes a smile is all we need....Have a great day everyone!!!

Promises! Don't let em go bad!

What promises do we make and what promises do we keep? What kind of people are we if we constantly break the promises we make to others? What about the promises we make to ourselves?
I find myself telling people things all the time and not following through. I don’t believe I intend to let people down but I end up doing it anyway. I did it to myself everyday for thirty years, If I cant keep my word to me, how can I keep it to you?
One thing I have learned on my Journey is that the harder I work on my spirit my mind and my body, the stronger and more focused I become. I am more able to do the things I promise my daughter that I will do, I become more able to take care of the details of my life that I used to let fall behind. Even simple things like washing dishes and cutting grass are no longer a dreaded routine, but an exciting part of my day, ok exciting was the wrong word but you get my point.
The ability to keep my promises and to do the ‘little’ things I used to put off is making me focus more also on my future and is making me think bigger more independent thoughts. There are BIG decisions concerning career and retirement and the possibility of more family in the future (before I am too old) to be made. I don’t need to continually ask, what should I do and why and how. I now tell myself, “Let’s do it” and “this is the right direction for you”. I still love getting advice from friends and boy do I ever ask them for it too! I am now more apt, though, to follow my own agenda, my own heart and my own fairly intelligent mind.
This walk I am taking down the roads of my life (I am becoming a cliché) is changing me in ways I never would have guessed, never would have imagined and is going to end up taking me places I have never dreamed I would go.
I am excited right now because there are MANY different paths my life is taking me in, and the only ones I refuse to go down…are the ones that are behind me!
Have a great Sunday and look for more posts soon!!!
LOVE YOU ALL! And a special shout out to the guys that read my blog in Pakistan and Afghanistan, keep on keeping us safe! Also to my faithful reader and old friend from Germany, Angelika!! Miss you!!!

SMILE and LOVE....That is all we should be doing anyway!

There is ALWAYS a better way to deal with the bad things that happen to you then engaging in destructive behavior. Now I guess destruction could be defined as any action which depletes or disrupts an object through demolition... That can be taken many ways. I choose to publicize my feelings rather than get revenge or break things, but some people may see me as being destructive toward relationships. I guess what I am trying to say is. Eating poorly turning to drugs or disappearing for days or weeks at a time is in no way going to make the situation improve; it will only further hurt your already strained existence.
Today when you are driving to or from work and that jerk pulls out in front of you and you want to flip him off, or the older woman decided to argue with you because you are not in touch with her generation and you want to dismiss her or when your server gets your order wrong and you want to scream, imagine I am there with you smiling and calmly telling you that this will in no way affect your many tomorrows and you should let it go. We cannot control the actions of other people; we are not in control of the car they drive, their mentality or their pens and pencils. All we can do is coach them by a smiling example of what mankind should do when faced with adversity; Smile and Love!
Have a great weekend, I know I will!!!!!

Something to say about all that

Sometimes after you have had a long rough day, and your feelings have been hurt and your confidence is freyed and your friends seem to disagree with you for feeling the way you do, the best thing to do is....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

I wont comment on what happened because there is a chance that I took it the wrong way. The person that hurt me probably didnt mean too and was more than likely doing what she did to protect her own interests and I cant blame her for that.

It takes some sleep, some focus on something else and a clear mind, to forgive and move on. Especially when the only person hurting was me. I would never confront this person anyway and no matter what anyone thinks, for me that is the best course of action.

How do you re-adjust when you have been disappointed by someone you care about? Do you over analize things like I do? Do you get mad and let it spill all over the place like other people might do? Do you act like it doesnt bother you while secretly plotting your revenge? Really friends, does any of that make the problem go away? If you cant rationalize the situation, and if you cant confront the individual(s), then just got to bed, and wake up refreshed. Last night I focused on business till around 3am, went to bed for a few hours then got up and worked out and the issue feels alot better and I can almost understand why my friend did what she did.

MY point here folks is, no matter how old we are and how mature we think we are and how confident we are in ourselves,we are all still learning and this journey ends when we die! (so fix up your vehicle and keep it fueled so you can make it to the finish line)

Those of you that know the story, only know my side of it, so please dont judge this woman for what happened. It was probably very innocent.

NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!!

Its been a weird month... I have been working out and eating right, at least I believe I have been eating right, but my weight has barely changed at all.

I have been trying really hard to figure out what the hell is up with that!!!
Part of me believed that because I am working our more and my body is changing, I need more fuel-food, proteins and vitamins and less filler, like rice cakes and special k bars.

So I talked to my trainer and we revamped my nutrition and we are now revamping my eating schedule so that I get the most out of my fuel, and a special friend has provided me with the bike that I can extend my physical activity to places outside the farm.

I fully expect to see BIG changes this week and lots of new and exciting posts from it...

The point here is folks, the old me would have given up and went to McDonalds, the new me is getting pissed off enough to work harder and that's where the WIN comes in!

TTmembers.com....check it out. ALSO check out Daniel's new post at TRUHEALTHQUEST.com awesome info!!!