The Good and the Bad, which one is this?

7-10-11
So I am getting a little frustrated with a few things and I needed a little encouragement so I thought I would blog about it.

My garden, is at the top of my list today…I water it a lot, I pull the larger weeds, and it’s looking really sad. The tomato plants’ leaves are wilting and it’s not blooming anymore. The pumpkin plants were attacked by aphids and even though we got rid of the bugs, they are dying a slow and nasty death. The zucchini and squash are still producing and growing but they are now infested with giant brown, weird looking bugs that are not affected by sevin dust. I am tempted to just run the lawnmower over the whole thing and call it quits because it is kind of depressing me to even look at it. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE APPRECIATED!!!

Motivation. I have lost some of the motivation I need to track what I eat and I think it is going to affect this week’s weigh in. I am still tracking, but I am guessing instead of using strict portion control and I noticed that I ate while watching TV and I have tried to stop doing that. I had been posting some of the food I was eating but that got to be too tedious and my internet was acting weird so I was unable to keep it up. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!

Workouts. My workouts are getting more intense and I am dreading them on some days. I still do them, but with some serious loathing. I am scared that this feeling of dread mixed with the lack of motivation in my nutrition will hinder my fat loss and prevent me from moving forward on my journey in the direction I want to go in. ANY ADVICE WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!

Sadness. I am so sad. I feel a little bit like I am on a roller coaster ride emotionally over the past week and I am not sure why. I was thinking it was a lack of sleep, or a lack of relaxation, or my job or my loneliness. I am not sure, but I feel like I am being pulled down by something and I am getting concerned because I remember feeling this way before I made the commitment to get healthy and it ALWAYS leads to self destructive behavior. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!

Fear. I am scared that all of this above will send me backwards on my path toward a healthy mind, body and soul. I have been really focused on succeeding and now suddenly it feels threatened. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!


7-11-11
I decided to sleep on everything I was worried about. I woke up this morning an hour and a half later than usual and woke up with that pit in my stomach and the sadness was still there. I sat directly on the end of my bed and remembered one word I typed last night and said it out loud. “COMMITMENT”

I went back through the entire post and reread everything carefully and just as I was about to give up I noticed, I was writing in the order of the subjects that were causing myself doubt. Remember, I have a very low self esteem to begin with, so this shouldn’t surprise anyone.

My garden. This is the first attempt I have ever made with plants, period.
I should not expect perfection and certainly should expect problems. So I made the decision that as long as the plants were producing and had blooms, I would not run them over with the lawn mower. When and if they failed to produce and lost all their blooms, I would not hesitate to remove them from my life. If I get any assistance, I will try a different approach, but this is my game plan now.

My Motivation, I have had seven months of the greatest success with nutrition and weight loss and I am not going to allow a lack of motivation to keep me from my goal. Failing at a garden will not be a catalyst for gaining weight. I am going to go back over my first three months of food tracking and I am going to make a better effort to write down everything that goes into my mouth from what I drink to what kind of candy I lick. EVERYTHING! I am going to be more strict on my measurements and portion control. I will be going to dinner on Wednesdays with my friends but I WILL NOT BE USING IT AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO EAT WHAT I DESIRE TO EAT. The dinner with friends is for the fellowship, not the food.

MY Workouts, plain and simple one here folks. I am being a big friggin baby!!! SO WHAT, the workouts are getting harder. The hard workouts are gonna make me harder and that is what I want! I have made the decision to take the workouts outside. I am not gonna let my lack of motivation prompt me to become indifferent to my fitness goals! Screw that!!!!!! I am getting ready to work out now and am going to make it the best workout to date! (look for the sports injury blog to come shortly after this one, lol)

Sadness, well duh! Of course I am sad. I changed direction mid-stream and am sad because I lost some motivation and started to dread the workouts I loved, and my failing garden pushed me to the edge. REALLY?!?!? Yeah I guess it did. I am more fragile than I thought. Or am I? I started the garden three months in to my journey, and now that my fat loss has slowed down slightly, and the garden is looking weak, I am transferring that weak feeling to my journey and it is making me sad. IT’s all connected.

I am going to refrain from trying to absolve my fear; I plan on using it as fuel.

I am going to post this anyway. I want all of you to see how truly hard it is to stay focused and push forward when you have spent your entire life in sloth and gluttony. I also want you all to see how easy it is to make the right choice. I did most of the choice making right here in front of my laptop just now! I think I have found a way to move forward in a positive direction now; I have a plan for my garden, a plan to get re-motivated and a plan to get more out of my workouts. Keep checking back for updates on today’s post!!!