I don’t think this post is going to inspire anyone to move mountains, but I promised everyone blunt truth and this is part of my journey. I might also need some encouragement from you too.
It is so easy to allow ourselves to be hurt when we do everything that is expected of us by society, our families and our friends, and still we end up not succeeding. It’s painful to see other people doing the same things we want to do, and yet we still can’t lift the curtain that holds us back.
I have had a pretty rocky week, and a great week at the same time. Cesalee went home on Tuesday, and while I am glad that she got to go to the beach, I miss her and it is always hard to send her home. She also got her driver’s license this week and it’s hard not to be there for those special occasions. Yesterday was Father’s Day and it also hurt not being with her for that.
My car got broken into and several items were stolen that I really needed for work, and the police basically told me that there was nothing they could do and they actually tried to talk me out of filing a report.
Something in my professional life that I really wanted to happen looks like it isn’t going to happen and after praying about it and getting professional advice as well as the advice of friends and family the consensus is, considering what it will take to achieve this goal, it probably won’t happen at all, given my age and credit. That is a tough realization to face.
Even though I like my new job much better than my old one, I am still not making what I need to make to even pay my bills and it makes me feel like (after twenty years of trying) I am just not mentally capable of “making it”. I mean, something is wrong somewhere, I know I have had setbacks health wise and I am making great strides but, SOMETHING ISNT NORMAL AND IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE!! I should be able to have personal financial success in my life, right?! Apparently not!
My mindset gets worse from there, but I need to keep a grasp on my emotions, so I will move on.
I try to forge ahead when I get into moods like this one. I tell people everything is fine and I am doing great and this and that, but it’s pretty much a big pile of crap.
SO after having a great Father’s Day with friends and a little bit of time with my Dad, I came home and went to bed. I woke up today happy that I at least didn’t throw my eating plan out the window this week, But today is the beginning of my last week on the first phase of my workout training and I need to get in some great workouts this week…But how do I do that? I don’t feel very strong right now, I actually feel kind of weak, and I DO NOT want to work out…
I remember how I used to feel like I do today, mentally, every day of my life. In fact there were days where I had NO joy what so ever. It reminds me that I have, in my life, contemplated the unthinkable and I can still reach the place in my mind where the demons went and some of those issues still exist. Giving in to them, getting scared and not fighting will take me to an even darker place where I may never come back from. So, I shed a tear, I shake this past week’s disappointment off; alter my plans a little bit. Get the hell up outta this chair put the GAGA on the MP3 and get back into my program!!!
You see, I know I am happier and healthier than I have ever been, I know I am never going to allow depression to control me again, and I know the demons I spoke of are locked away. I also know that every now and again, in life, we are going to have self doubt, sadness and disappointment. It’s how we handle these times that really count.
I hope this post wasn’t too random and off the wall, it’s just where I am this morning, and I know that after my workout things should look clearer!!! Maybe some of you can relate, Maybe some of you are in this place too and want to talk…I am here if you do!
I love you Rob, you know I know set backs from hell, however God gave a us a gift this morning, we woke up alive and able. Our feet move, we have healthy children and we only deny ourselves. We are only as weak as we let ourselves be and both of us are very powerful contenders!
ReplyDeleteBoy have you had a bad week. You are strong and though everywhere you look right now you see what you don't have. But look to the past, you are doing so much better then you ever dreamed. You may not have the gold metal or diamond tiara that shows you made it to your hearts desire. But you are so on the right path! Maybe the one dream is out of reach, but with time you can build on it. Maybe not now, but there is always the future. Things do get better and sometimes you have to take a chance. Don't despair, you are loved by many and love many in return. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes. Lots of love and keep your chin up.
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